Biscuits along the Near-Death Highway

So, to add to the little lists I'm making while I drive -- The number of times I almost died today: 10.

I made it to North Carolina -- barely. I would have taken a picture along I-40, because it's a really gorgeous drive, especially through the Smoky Mountains, however, if North Carolinians had their way, it would also have been the end of me.

The first time, a casket company's semi swerved over into my lane and there was nowhere for me to go because there was a cement wall on my side. That would have been ironic, eh?

But by the time I got to Davie County, I realized that drivers here in the NC are crazy. Not funny crazy, either. They're evil.

Now, I don't strictly adhere to the speed limit, but I do really enjoy this amazing invention called "cruise control," and find that it comes in very handy because I think it's considerate to maintain a constant speed.

North Carolinians? Not so much with the cruise control.

Apparently they cannot stand it if someone is in front of them -- even a half a mile in front. They lunge up behind you out of nowhere, get in front of you and slow down. They weave in and out of traffic, and slow down again in front of everyone.

One guy decided to slam on his brakes, no reason, nothing in the road, just thought it would be fun to nearly cause a 20-car pile-up, or perhaps to get the chance to see a roadside defibrillation or even an emergency airlift. I felt really bad for the four college kids who had to swerve hard to avoid my car. They looked like they just peed their pants.

My favorite was when a semi came up so close behind me, I could see no pavement between us. I was already going quite a bit -- OK, almost 20 mph -- over the posted speed limit and in the inside lane, and this guy is trying to get up the Jetta's tailpipe. There's really nothing like having your entire rearview view obliterated by 65,000 tons of semi going 80 mph.

I have to say, I was glad to stop for the night.

One actually funny thing: A double billboard that advertised the new cardiac catheterization lab and Dairy Queen's big, juicy double cheeseburger.

The good thing about the NC? Besides how green it is? There's a Cracker Barrel every 20 miles. I mean it, too. You see the first billboard and hear this voice in your head that says "Hey! You want a biscuit?"

Then, just when you've started to forget about it, another billboard.

"How about now? You ready for that biscuit yet?"

You just drive along, minding your own cogitations, maybe rockin' a little Def Leppard, and there it is again.

"Biscuit? No? We'll get back to you in another 10 minutes or so."

You don't stop, but by the time you've driven from the border to Greensboro, you want gravy with that biscuit. And some of those yummy cinnamon apples.

You're also ready to buy a bunch of crafty crap from their country store. And a rocking chair.

Damn biscuits.