Today is my lucky day

Uhhhh... Clive Owen shirtless in Rome? And I get to see members of Cheap Trick on Sunday?
I must have been a good girl this week. Or month.

Hallelujia! Cheap Trick in the MB!

Even though I mocked Jehovah yesterday on this very blog, He has somehow seen fit to send my favorite band to the MB. Or at least a couple of its members.

Thank Yaweh for celebrity golf tournaments! Yeah!

Hard Rock Cafe is doing a benefit tournament Monday and having some kind of red-carpet hoo-ha Sunday night, and they sent me an e-mail a few minutes ago letting me know that Cheap Trick will be here.

It'll be Rick and Robin, certainly, being as how they are the golfers of the band.

Oh, it takes me back to the last celebrity golf tournament I saw them at, where I choked on my gum while interviewing Robin. That was hot.

I've got to think of some new, never-before-seen way of humiliating myself in front of him this year.

But late, late the night before, he drunk-dialled me to make arrangements for the interview the following day. That actually was kinda hot. Not the drunk part, but, you know, talking to Robin Zander on the phone late at night...

I know what I'm doing at 6:30 Sunday. Snapping some pictures and screaming "Robin!!!!!"

And now, a word from Our Lord

I knew our circulation was growing, but we are reaching further than I thought possible.

God Himself felt compelled to comment on my story today about our city council wanting to do away with the bike rallies.

This is my first spring bike hoo-haw, but it's legendary, the number of interesting human behaviors that can be seen without binoculars or night-vision cameras.

A shocked and appalled minister spoke publicly yesterday to express his horror about seeing all manner of shocking things, including public sex acts.

Our online edition allows people to log in and post comments, and apparently, Our Lord is down with the Internets, because "Jehovah" had one word for all the people who couldn't control themselves during the bike rallies.

"Fornicators!" saith The Lord.

I believe He's not messing around.

Bitchen picture

Just liked this. Wanted to share it. Wish I took it. It's in Kansas.

That series of tubes...

Something seems to be wrong with the Internets, that series of tubes, at least on my end. It's clogged, or something. Kind of like the highway to and from work, which is now jammed with people trying to get out of town after the last bike rally and Memorial Day weekend.

Or maybe it's just me being slow. Can't tell.

The Jetta is also clogged, or at least it's in pre-clog. The little orange engine light came on today. I hope it's nothing serious. The VW service department said as long as it's not blinking and beeping, I'm OK, at least until I can get it to them Wednesday. Time for its regular maintenance, anyway.

But last time I took it in, it cost me 5 grand for a new transmission. Please, no. Not something that big this time. If it was, I'd seriously have some thinking to do. I'm not ready to give up the Jetta, although I do want a Prius. But I'd be sad to see the Jetta go.

Nope. Not going to think about that.

The Practically Fetal Bear of Friday

Kristin sent me a series of photos of a baby panda growing up. The first ones are of an eyes-closed, pure white, almost hairless thing that in no way resembles a bear.

But here, he's getting his panda colors. Thanks Krissy!

While some people attending this weekend's bike rally are preparing for a couple days of public debauchery, I'm contemplating my yard. And maybe some painting and curtains. Although I did get invited to go with some locals on "booty patrol." Apparently there's a need to watch out for booty in all its forms.

Anyone doing anything fun this weekend?

Look! The Panda of Tuesday!

It's a present from my friend Peter, who found me a bear because I was so grumpy last week!

This is Su Lin, playing in the snow! I want to roll around with that bear while doing the PeeWee Herman laugh.

Kristin also sent me adorable panda pictures, some of which I am saving for Friday's bear.

But Su Lin makes the wait for Friday "bearable." ha!

Is it just me?

Or does it make anyone else want to let loose with a primal scream when people give nonsensical answers to questions and then act like the interviewer is stupid for not understanding the answer?

How about when someone gives an answer to a question, and the interviewer repeats the answer with an "So I understand you to say..." and the subject realizes he or she has made an ass of themselves and turns it around to try and make the interviewer look stupid?

Just watching a little MSNBC and wondering if I'm alone in this...

The sound of Harleys...

...has stopped for now. The Harley Week bike rally is over, but this weekend is the Atlantic Beach Bike Rally, which, legend has it, is a little wilder.

I've been invited to go along on "booty patrol."

Yes, yes I will. Why not? When in Rome, as they say...

Boxing for Boobs apparently went well, and there are lots of photo galleries of that, Bikini Bike Wash, events at -- yes, this is the business's real name -- Suck, Bang, Blow (named after some process that takes place in/on/around a Harley, allegedly...) and some other fun rally events on our paper's Web site.

Oh, there are also pictures of "Hog Wild Girls dancing." I guarantee it's not porn, but other than that, I can't say what's there. You'll just have to increase our paper's Web hits for yourself.

Meanwhile, I'm looking for a reprieve from bugs. This is one of the most bug-infested places I've ever lived. A giant, hairy gray spider was in my Carolina room the other night and showed up in my roommate's bedroom last night. She said she had to kill it with a board, because other methods were ineffective.

There are also these weird little round, brown beetles that sometimes fall asleep on my carpet and don't wake up.

And this morning, we were greeted by a Palmetto Bug, and by "Palmetto Bug" I mean "a goddamn flying cockroach."

People say Palmetto Bugs are just South Carolina's way of saying "hello."

Mr. Terminix is my way of saying "fuck off."

Grrr

Maybe I'm just grumpy this morning.

I can't find a Bear of Friday because nothing is acceptably cute this morning, I had my first appointment with my new family doctor and I don't like him, my hair looks like crap, it's hot and I feel like I have a snootful of dust.

Oh, and there was a bar here in town that, last night, had a "Boxing for Boobs" contest. Yes, I realize that's an awkward, clunky sentence, but am I the only one who sees something wrong with women who are not trained boxers duking it out for a new pair of implants?

Plus, I'm jealous that Kevin is in London, because I want to be somewhere. Like London. Or Italy. Or somewhere. Else.

Grrrr. Maybe a Starbucks would cheer me up.

Also, I say "awesome" too much, especially about things that really aren't that awesome. I've decided to go fully retro and bring back the underused and underappreciated "bitchen."

Jump on the bandwagon with me. It'll be bitchen. See?

No. No I wouldn't.

Hooray! I get to add to the list of freakish, inappropriate ways I've been hit on. Yay for Monday!

It's Bike Week here in the MB, and I met a French-Canadian biker at Broadway at the Beach. It wasn't a pre-planned meeting or anything, just a random moment of two complete strangers talking.

Suddenly, he asked if I was married and had kids. I said no. He asked if we could have lunch. I said no. Then, he asked if maybe later on, I'd like to wash him.

Me: "Perhaps you meant something else in English?"
Him: "No, I meant you could wash me. Then I could wash you. Then we could see what else might happen."
Me: (Wondering if maybe my deodorant had ceased to function) "Thanks. I had a shower today. Washed my hair and everything."
Him: (giving me the up-and-down) "You could wash me."
Me: "Really? Ha ha. No. Have a nice visit to Myrtle Beach. Bye-bye."

Seriously, I have an abundance of bath products and I prefer to use them in my own home, in private. Alone. Solo. Soltanta, in Italiano.

See, the thing about getting hit on, for me, is that it's rarely someone I'm interested in. It's NEVER, EVER Clive Owen. Or Robin Zander. Or even the one semi-attractive guy at work. And it's almost never, ever in a way that would make me go "huh, maybe I oughta..."

It's almost always in a way that's just... ummm... No.

Like the roadie who asked if I'd care to demonstrate my Monica Lewinski impersonation in exchange for a pair of Bun E. Carlos's drumsticks as I waited in line for a Cheap Trick concert.

No. Not even the fact that you are Robin Zander's gardener in your "spare time" tempts me.

He had the nerve to find me later, after the show, and ask again.

Still no.

Or the man who, on the same day, said he had 50 bucks and would I like to go have a drink with him and keep the change?

Oh, so you think I'm going to lose my place in line (first, of course) for a pina colada and 20 dollars? No.

Or the guy who saw me being sassy with a co-worker at my stupid carry-out job and followed me outside, said I seemed "feisty," and then asked if I'd like to go home with him and "do it."

Me: "It?"
Him: "Yeah, you know, 'do it.' With me."

No, no I wouldn't.

HMD

Happy Mother's Day. Hope you all got breakfast in bed!

Not for Mother's Day, or anything, but I got patio furniture yesterday. I inadvertently bought an umbrella with a solar lighting system in it, so it lights up the table at night. It's actually kind of cool.

So many little chores to do today. Why can't the grocery fairies do my shopping for me?

Speaking of animals...

Let's stop killing the koalas.

Current levels of global carbon dioxide emissions will result in a noticeable reduction in Australia's koala population in the next 50 years, researchers say.

Yeah, I know, people would rather drive SUVs than save the world. But come on. Koalas! You'll be sorry when they are gone, even if you don't know it now.

A "pit stop"

Perusing CNN.com in the mornings, I'm always drawn to the crazy-ass headlines, like "An Engine Full of Pit Bull," and "Eagle to Get Second Chance with Bionic Beak."

Besides being animal stories, which I love, there's just something about a catchy headline that gets me.

Now, the "Engine Full of Pit Bull" was a video report well worth watching because it's done right, if cheaply. It seems this man in Vacaville, Calif., opened the hood of his truck yesterday morning to find a 60-pound pit bull wedged in the engine.

But you don't know that right away. First, it's the guy telling you what happened, but there's no mention of pit bull. You can already see it coming, of course, because of the headline, but that just builds your anticipation for the pictures, which you have to assume are forthcoming because it's a video report.

And then, there it is: Pickup Truck Engine with Pit Bull Head. A fantastic, Dali-esque image.

It's great. The dog is unhurt, and was able to unwedge itself when enough people gathered around and it got all wiggly and excited. Greasy and tired, the un-collared dog was taken to an area animal shelter and officials hope the owner will come claim it.

The bionic beak story had one photo, really all you needed to see. The bald eagle had been rescued in Alaska where, apparently, the top, curving half of her beak had been shot off. Without it, she cannot eat or drink without help.

Now some genius (probably the same guys at Google who can tailor the overline ads to the subjects of my e-mails) is making a beak out of light, durable nylon composite with the help of a dentist, vet and other experts, and will glue it to the jagged stump of the half-beak.

The eagle won't be able to live free, or cut and tear flesh as raptors do, but she will be able to drink on her own and eat the food she's given without assistance, they hope. If glue doesn't hold, they'll try screws to attach the beak.

Some people don't think it will work. I hope there's a follow-up story.

I'm not making this up

Just now, a colleague got what has to be, hands down, the funniest phone call this week.

A man called to say he sent us a press release and wanted a story in the paper because -- get this -- his girlfriend is coming to town looking for a job.

Stop the presses! Are you kidding? She's coming here? For a job? I've never heard of such a thing.

I had some diet Coke with lunch, maybe that could go on tomorrow's A1! Also, I'm trying out a new fabric softener. I think that deserves its own special section and an audio slideshow for the online edition.

Wait. I have the headline for tomorrow's front page: Area Idiot Calls Reporter with Stupid Story Idea.

Gator!

That's it, I'm done with company. No one is invited to visit me at my new house. Kevin and Peter were so absolutely, stunningly boring -- we didn't do ANYTHING fun.

Just kidding.

To me, the weekend went by too fast. We went to Alligator Adventure, Hard Rock Park, the haunted house "adventure" (OK, maybe not so much on the "intense-dark" experiences for me...), took a river cruise, played mini-golf at the Peter Pan course and went to Savannah overnight. Oh, and we ate. I'm still full from last weekend. I think I'm digesting like a dormant alligator -- not like the one in this picture Kevin took.

At Alligator Adventure, we got to see the gators being fed. Just chicken parts, which is good. But we also saw one in a large pond dragging around a dead gator by the head, or whatever was left of the upper musculature. It swam around with it for awhile like it was showing off its prize, while others did the gator roll to snag a snack, but then the greedy gator took his Precious off into the reeds. I don't want to know how long it took him to finish that meal.

The park is cool -- they have Siberian tigers, all kinds of reptiles including Galapagos turtles, a couple of river otters, these beautiful red-headed storks, and, most importantly -- ring-tailed lemurs! Lemurs! Here in the MB! Who knew?

Savannah was, of course, awesome. I love that city. We had a nice carriage ride, saw some fireworks, tromped around a "haunted" city square and probably scared off whatever spirits might have been there, visited Bonaventure cemetery (one mark of how much "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" has affected Savannah -- no one questioned why we needed directions to Bonaventure at 11:30 at night or even looked at us like that was a strange request), and saw some parts of town I had not seen on my first visit.

To my disappointment, no one rode the Slingshot, though. Maybe the next visitor...