Harry Potter and the Naked Horsey Play

Dear Daniel Radcliffe --

I know you're a very serious actor afraid to be typecast as Harry Potter, afraid you'll suffer the same fate as Gary Coleman or that kid from "Eight is Enough" who was so cute when he was little then grew up to be some kind of degenerate. No, not Willie Aames. He just participated in "Charles in Charge" before becoming "Bible Man."

I support your future acting career. I support your success and your ability to get a role in "Equus" in London and on Broadway, even though, in my opinion, you should probably have taken a couple little acting classes first.

Hell, I even support your right to be naked on stage. You're a good looking kid, and nakedness isn't an issue for me.

Except now.

Your desire to be in "Equus" is infringing on my need -- my right! -- to see the next installment of the Harry Potter movies.

Yes, because you're naked on stage this fall on Broadway, the distributors of the Harry Potter movies have held up the release of "Half-Blood Prince" until next summer. NEXT SUMMER.

They don't want kids seeing identifying Harry Potter with Naked You.

I know, too late.

The actual naked pictures of you are on every teenage girl's Dan Radcliffe fansite. But we Americans can't admit that legions of pubescent girls have already seen your Full Monty. We have to pretend no one's seen anything they shouldn't and hold up the movie because to have girls identifying you as a sex symbol -- well, that just won't do. Ahem.

Seriously. Listen, kid, you have the rest of your life to be naked on stage. In 2011, you can go skipping through Picadilly Circus naked and scattering violets and no one will think anything of it, because you're rich and famous.

You'll still be cute after all the Potter movies have been released on DVD, I'll feel less creepy about going to see "Equus" when you're a little older, I won't have to wait ANOTHER YEAR to see "Half-Blood Prince," and you'll have time for those acting lessons.

It's a win-win, baby.

So go put your goddamn pants on, fly back across The Pond and get back to Hogwarts.

Thanks.